“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” ― Maya Angelou
I'm torn. All I want is to be something more than an option, but when I try for that, I feel like I am being selfish. I can't even back up my defense because I don't even believe in myself anymore. I have been too many peoples option for far too long that I am certain it has created long lasting damage.
How should I even compete with all the options offered in life? Why should I have to compete and what the hell did I do wrong? I suppose, though, if I am not making myself a priority, why should anyone else? I don't know how to feel anything except alone and tortured by it. I am afraid that I am beyond repair. . .
I am also fed up with people TELLING me the way it is, yet never backing those words up with ACTIONS. I could sit here and state why I deserve people to be real with me, but it's only because I know how things in life should be, not because I actually believe I deserve it. I'm like a swirling mess of complete contradiction. I cannot do this anymore...
The emptiness and devastation that consumes me, is all I am. There is a shell. An imperfect, poor excuse of a shell at that. They call that shell Erin. Inside the shell is where I lie - a dark pit of death. There is no existence beyond the shell. At least not anything that would be of substance.
I used to want to learn how to find the perfect balance of existing and meaning something outwardly and internally. Now it is crystal clear. There is no balance. I exist and that is the depth of it.
You know what?!? Fuck it! Here it is POINT BLANK: I am a fucking human being, am I not? What the fuck gives anyone the right to step on me, degrade me and treat me like dirt? More importantly, why the hell do I sit back and take the raping? I have no control over my life. I have spent my entire 31 miserable years on this Earth trying to ensure that I had a grip on shit. So to come all this way and find that it's all been one giant mind fuck, knocked me for a loop.
All I want and all I need is HELP! I have already given up and admitted defeat, what fucking more could anyone want from me? Will it not be enough until my time in my shell expires?
You know what... Whatever - Nevermind!
