Dani and Lizzy - Dancing in the sky

Beast Mode

Selfish 6-9-12

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”  ― Maya Angelou
I'm torn. All I want is to be something more than an option, but when I try for that, I feel like I am being selfish. I can't even back up my defense because I don't even believe in myself anymore. I have been too many peoples option for far too long that I am certain it has created long lasting damage. 
How should I even compete with all the options offered in life? Why should I have to compete and what the hell did I do wrong? I suppose, though, if I am not making myself a priority, why should anyone else? I don't know how to feel anything except alone and tortured by it. I am afraid that I am beyond repair. . . 
I am also fed up with people TELLING me the way it is, yet never backing those words up with ACTIONS. I could sit here and state why I deserve people to be real with me, but it's only because I know how things in life should be, not because I actually believe I deserve it. I'm like a swirling mess of complete contradiction. I cannot do this anymore... 
The emptiness and devastation that consumes me, is all I am. There is a shell. An imperfect, poor excuse of a shell at that. They call that shell Erin. Inside the shell is where I lie - a dark pit of death. There is no existence beyond the shell. At least not anything that would be of substance. 
I used to want to learn how to find the perfect balance of existing and meaning something outwardly and internally. Now it is crystal clear. There is no balance. I exist and that is the depth of it. 
You know what?!? Fuck it! Here it is POINT BLANK: I am a fucking human being, am I not? What the fuck gives anyone the right to step on me, degrade me and treat me like dirt? More importantly, why the hell do I sit back and take the raping? I have no control over my life. I have spent my entire 31 miserable years on this Earth trying to ensure that I had a grip on shit. So to come all this way and find that it's all been one giant mind fuck, knocked me for a loop.
All I want and all I need is HELP! I have already given up and admitted defeat, what fucking more could anyone want from me? Will it not be enough until my time in my shell expires? 
You know what... Whatever - Nevermind!

Who Knows - 5/19/12

There aren't even any words that can express what is happening in my world. I think I used to have a grip on life, but how I lost it, I'll never know. I am not a fan of the thoughts that consume me, nor do I understand why I am consumed by them. I chose to start blogging as a way to slur my thoughts with my fingertips mainly because there is no way to express myself that makes any sense and at least this way I can be heard by only those that choose to hear me. I feel almost like an alcoholic on a week long bender trying to give directions to an imaginary place in a foreign language. I bet my metaphors don't even make any sense. I just want to mash the buttons as I type and scream while doing so in hopes that my inner turmoil can be released and someone, just someone, may be able to make sense of things for me. There surely is something going on and apparently I was not supposed to be in the know. I feel empty - and selfish for it. I have always been my own worst enemy, but this time takes the cake! Okay, I have to try this, it's pounding in my chest and my fingers are trembling...

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Alright, so that didn't help any and I am sure I have come off as completely ridiculous, but really... I will try anything to fill this void. I don't even know if there is a void. I just don't  know anything anymore =(

Lost - 5/11/97

Look around,
blue skies turned gray
wonderful feelings swept away.
Battered face,
feelings of happiness
out of place.
My feelings,
so true
yet - untold to you.
It's blurry where I've been,
all I know is never again.
Shattered dreams, hanging from beams,
outside my mind
I just wish everything would unwind.
Close your eyes,
hope you can replace all the lies.
All fears of life,
taken away;
taken with a knife.
Take the step,
make the jump
all you are is a lousy chump.
I cannot stay,
let me drift away.
Now it's time
for me to depart,
just keep me deep within your heart;
For I am confused
'cause I've been used
and abused.
I'm going to the place
where I'll be blessed by His grace
No more sadness
I've wiped away all the madness.
It's all gone.
I've drifted away;
I have become part of the dawn.

The Lowdown

So... I'm completely new to this. I have experienced some major life changing events as of recent & I need an outlet. I used to write a lot back in the day and it helped to keep me in check. I want to share my writings of the past and present in hopes of setting myself free. Here goes nothing.